artist by trade

i am an artist, and i am a mom. i've been having mental discord lately with wanting to be an artist and also wanting to be a mom.  you know what? i am already both.  i can be both at the same time.  that doesn't mean i can always devote 100% of my time to both, but i can always be both, 100% of the time.  i do not have to be working full-time to be an artist, and i do not have to spend every waking moment caring for my children to be a mom.

i've always, always wanted to be a mom.  it's a great job :)  i love my kids and my home and taking care of us all in that motherly way.  it is fulfilling and fun.

i've also always wanted to be an artist.  my preferred medium has changed throughout the years -i distinctly remember making a "jungle gym" for my stuffed monkey out of egg cartons and plastic throw-away hangers from the store.  no, i can't picture how that works either -but i remember making it.  my favorite part of highlights magazine was the craft section.  my mom bought a huge role of newsprint, and my grandma donated old letterhead paper to satisfy my (and my sisters') need to draw constantly.  i got pretty good with a pencil. then i branched out to pen and ink, and watercolor.  i loved it all.  i took every. single. art class my school had to offer.  around 14 i started sewing some of my own clothes -crazy things i would dream up, get the urge to create, and then actually do it.  when you have that creative energy bouncing around inside you, it's what pushes you to see a project through.  i couldn't help but make the stuff i did. i saved a few of my favorite things:

i made this coat at age 17 or 18.  first, i gathered coordinating fabric from scraps we had.  then i ripped them into strips, sewed them together, and quilted the new fabric onto a vintage bedsheet, with quilt batting in between.  then i cut out my coat pattern and sewed it together.  i used bias tape to cover the exposed seam allowances inside the coat.

i made these "dreamer" jeans probably around age 16 by taking a pair of black jeans, bleaching them in the washing machine, drawing on them with a q-tip dipped in bleach, ripping out the side seams (because the pants were too small) and adding a strip of paisley corduroy.

i made these henna jeans at age 17 or 18 by simply taking a sharpie to them.  i think i might have drawn the basic design in pencil first, and i think i got the design from a henna inspiration site online.

the tie skirt is made from ties.  i made this when i was 16.

i don't really wear any of those things anymore (sometimes i do wear the tie skirt...and i would totally wear the henna jeans but they are too small) but i love to look at them and i am so glad i kept them.  i still have that creative energy bouncing around inside of me.  the more i let it out, the more it is replenished.  i've known about etsy since i was 16.  that was really early for etsy -right in the beginning.  i wanted an etsy shop, but i didn't have the skills to make really nice stuff (the coat is kind of falling apart because i cut corners).  it wasn't until i got a job at the BYU costume shop that i really learned how to sew and make quality stuff, and do it quickly.  that job was so fantastic -i had wanted to go to college for a degree in fashion design, but i also wanted to go to BYU.  in the end i chose to go to BYU (which doesn't have a fashion design degree) and major in humanities (which i do love).  my job at the costume shop was like a double major that i got paid for -in design and construction.   now i have the skills i need to actually have a successful etsy shop.

it is hard for me to reconcile my intense need to make stuff and have a successful etsy shop.  it makes me so happy, but should it?  i mean, i want to make money with the stuff i make.  i'm not sure why i have always wanted this.  i've always had an entrepreneurial spirit.  maybe i want praise and recognition?  i want to be a mom, and i've never wanted any other career....except this one.  i don't know why i never really put those two desires together until now.  i guess maybe i thought i would be a mom first, and then later in life i would make stuff for money.  but...i want to make stuff for money now, and be a mom.  not a lot of money -just...some.  i don't know how much.  and i'm so apologetic about it! why? is it ok for me to want to make money and be a mom? how do i even do that?

if anyone has any thoughts i'd love to hear them.  my plan right now is to just take it one day at a time.  i can make goals for my art/business and change them if things aren't working out with my family.  the nice thing about being an artist by trade is that i can make as much or as little money as i want, and spend as much or as little time on it as i want.  i need to remind myself that i can take breaks, and later pick up where i left off. my work and my business have already grown so much in the 1.5 years since i opened my shop, and i make improvements regularly.  last night i made the cutest felt toddler jacket i have ever seen, truly!  sorry, no pictures -it is part of my fall collection.  :D!

garden update: herb container garden

Time for another garden update! I finally got my herb container garden set up this weekend.  i was going to plant the herbs in the garden but i ran out of room.  i used pots and things that were on hand to make this:

i grew my own chives, oregano, some basil, some rosemary, and the rest were purchased from the farmer's market.  mint, cilantro, thyme, lavender, parsley.

 rain barrels are full of water  :D

i also planted all my tomato, tomatillo, and jalepeno seedlings which i grew myself.  some of them have spots on the leaves, so i hope they do alright.  i put newspaper in between each plant to block weeds and keep the soil moist.

i planted 16 tomatos, 3 tomatillos, and 4 jalepenos.

garden update

 we harvested the radishes, and uh, figured out we need to plant more at a time...

 the lettuce is growing

onions have gotten pretty tall

strawberries!!!!

roses. i'm pretty proud of this. last year when we moved in, we got maybe 5 roses total on our 8 rose bushes. most of them didn't even have any leaves.  they had grown too much, so i looked up how to prune them and did that in february.  now i wish i'd pruned them more -they grow so fast. but the flowers are blooming, and there are lots of little buds!  there are also some diseased-looking leaves. hmm.

this vine is flowering. anyone know what it's called? it's very pretty.

 samuel and i made this brick border back in march.  to do that we had to destroy the hibiscus that was planted right on the edge.  i was ok with that because, being in ohio, the hibiscus only looks good for 2 months out of the year.  there are still hibiscus plants behind the hedges.  anyway, we were left with an empty spot, so i transplanted the two hostas and that cool green plant in front (anyone? anyone?) from other places in the yard.  this yard is full of underutilized plants.  i think i have at least 5 or 6 more hostas that i could transplant, plus another one of those cool green plants.

and aren't those irises lovely?

slate run farm

wow, i love blogger's new editing setup, especially with uploading photos! you can click on the photos in my post to see them full screen.

we went to slate run farm today.  it is a working 1880s farm about 30 minutes away, and it is also a park.  it's totally free and open year-round.  there are tour guides (aka farm workers) and sometimes they have special programs where you can help do farm work.

despite the misty moisty morning, we had a lot of fun.  i'd never been to the farm before.  the only way i can express it is that it filled me with joy to be there.  we saw draft horses, pigs and piglets, sheep and lambs, oxen, turkeys, chickens, ducks, geese, all kinds of farm tools and machines (from the 1880s), a farm house with a huge stove in the kitchen, a root cellar and smoke house filled with real food from the farm...

abraham looking towards the barn 

this is a sweater vest i was making for my etsy shop.  but it fit abraham so perfectly that i gave it to him. i got the buttonholes spaced a little crookedly anyway, so that was my excuse to give it to him :D

abraham had fun picking up gravel and throwing it (sigh)

one of the workshops

exiting the hen house

 cute sweater again :)

 chickens

slate run farm

 the kitchen garden, which, i was happy to see, looks almost exactly like my garden (only much bigger). i mean to say that the seedlings are the same size as mine, so i must be doing things right. :)

i feel better now

i feel much more like my old self now. i think it's safe to say that the PPD is gone. i think it lasted about a month. i feel happy and optimistic, my beautiful children fill me with joy most of the time :) and i am excited about plans i have for my various projects.

i learned a few more things besides what i wrote last time.

i do need to remember to take care of myself. i read this blog post back when i was still depressed and was surprised to find that, indeed, i was not doing too well on the basics, which normally are not a big problem for me. i knew it was coming from and contributing to the depression.

1. Food: How are you feeding yourself?
2. Rest: How are you sleeping?
3. Calm: How are you handling stress?
4. Activity: How are you moving (aka exercising)?

of course, it's easy to work on these things when feeling pretty happy most of the time. when you're depressed, it's much harder to motivate yourself. but i did find i could sometimes force myself to eat, and make sure i walked the dog, and have samuel get peter for me in the middle of the night, and take a nap during the kids' naptime if i needed to. all of those things helped.

i also learned that while i do need to take care of myself, it is easy to do too much "self-care" in our culture, and that, ironically, is not satisfying or replenishing. in oct. 2011 conference elder anderson said, 'Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family. My daughters recently referred me to a blog written by a Christian mother (not of our faith) with five children. She commented: “[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. … Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get.” She then adds: “Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”'

i think that self-care and "me time" are built in to our culture. we have plenty of leisure time, and many opportunities and resources to replenish ourselves. the problem is that so many of the things we do during our leisure time (well, speaking for myself anyway) are not actually replenishing. so we spend all our leisure time doing something that, when we're finished, leaves us feeling just as stressed as before, perhaps with a little guilt added on due to wasting time.

part of what pulled me out of the depression was not "me time". it was a realization that what i am doing with my life is exactly what God created me to do. even going through that PPD was something i was created to do. my body and my life are, in the eternal scheme of things, for my family. what i am doing has eternal significance. no other activity will ever be quite as meaningful or fulfilling (or as hard!) as the work i do for my family. the good, rewarding times come in moments between the hard, frustrating times. me time is a good tool (even essential) as long as i remember to use it for activities that actually fill me up instead of continue to drain me. for me, that would be doing projects, cooking really awesome food (udon and spring rolls are on the menu -it's our first time making) having meaningful conversations with friends and family, reading something inspirational, or spending time outside with my family.

“Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.”

motherhood hurts

i have been struggling lately (past couple weeks) with a mild case of post-partum depression. i feel pretty good today, but on the worst days it goes something like this:

-i resent my kids for waking me up. at night, if peter cries, i lie in bed and cry and do nothing. (we've now changed things a bit so samuel goes and gets peter for me and i feed him and either keep him in bed or put him back in his crib if i feel like it)

-i yell at abraham and/or the dog when they are naughty (and by yell i don't mean speak sternly. i mean actually YELLING)

-i cannot find anything positive to say to abraham

-i feel empty and absolutely nothing will fill me up. normal things that would, such as reading inspirational things or scriptures, planning fun projects, doing fun projects, going for a walk, watching a fun movie, listening to my favorite music, none of it helps. parents, you know how sometimes your reserves of patience and compassion for your children are empty, but then pretty soon your child gives you a hug or does something really cute and your reserves are once again full? on bad days mine do not get filled up. they are just empty, all the time.

-i lose my appetite and stop eating, which makes me feel sicker and tireder and crankier throughout the day.

-i start telling myself things: i am a horrible mother. why is it so hard for me to want to change my baby's diaper? why is it so hard for me to want to play with abraham? why do i resent my children? why do i want to smack them when they are naughty?

-then i start feeling guilty for being depressed. i'm not a bad mom, why am i believing these lies?GUILTY! why should i be depressed when my life is so wonderful? GUILTY!

yeah, lovely, right? luckily i have only had a couple days that are really bad. most of the time i'm able to skip most of the things up there. i do not feel the need to see a doctor yet, so long as things do not get worse, and i continue to talk about what i'm feeling and process things with samuel and others.

but one thing has been bothering me about all this, and that is: why do women universally struggle with such day-to-day physical trials?

i'm talking about:

menstrual cramps: in the past they have been so bad i've thrown up, or fainted

emotional changes throughout the monthly cycle

morning sickness

miscarriage

"pregnancy brain" -i tell you, it's real!

stretch marks

varicose veins

interrupted sleep during pregnancy

hip pain during pregnancy

carpal tunnel syndrome during pregnancy

labor

childbirth

c-section

scars

traumatic birth memories

having to re-learn good posture every time you get pregnant and then again after giving birth (this bugs me!)

hemmeroids after giving birth

weight and size fluctuation

significant hair loss

new pigmentation spots on skin

not enough sleep

engorged breasts

leaking milk constantly, and having to go out in public

constantly getting peed on, spit up on, chewed on, pooped on, and then having to do all that laundry, either that or wear damp clothes that smell of rotten milk

cracked or bleeding nipples, and STILL wanting and trying so hard to nurse your baby =crying in pain every two hours of your own free will and choice. ugh.

post-partum depression, and all the other feelings of guilt, inadequacy, being overwhelmed

and this list is just for normal, healthy women who have normal, healthy pregnancies and deliveries, with healthy babies at the end of it all!

before i had kids, and even when i just had one kid, i used to wonder why women complained sometimes about how hard it was to be a mom. i wasn't having too hard of a time. i was pretty confident, had energy, loved being a mom 99% of the time. besides, BILLIONS of mothers before us had done it too. surely it is not hard to simply do what we have been created to do?

but oh, it is. see list above. yes, we have been created to do this, but we have also been created with all of the above weaknesses. and now that i've been forced to contemplate this, i know why.

to give us a reason to rely on the grace of Jesus Christ:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

when we are brought low and need help, we can recognize that any strength we recieve is not our own. once we're prayed for help, the grace of Jesus Christ fills us up with a never-ending supply of patience, stamina, love, or whatever thing we are thirsting for. it is never-ending because we can ask for more at any time, and the supply is infinite:

John 4:13 Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again:

14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

15 The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

there are many similarities to childbearing and the atonement. i don't say this to make myself feel important -after all, everything i have done in life, including childbearing, has only been possible because of the strength, health, grace, and even daily breath given to me by God. i myself have done nothing but rely on Him. i like to look for the similarities because they help me remember Him and feel closer to Him.

our Savior, who also has scars on his body, and memories of his own suffering to make everlasting life possible for all of us. (i got this idea from an essay):

Isaiah 49:15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

our scars and stretch marks, or memories of difficult times, can be reminders both of our children whom we love, and our Savior who bears scars in memory of us.

now perhaps you're saying, aleatha, that is very meaningful, but motherhood still hurts. (as i typed that sentence, peter pinched me HARD on the back of my upper arm. i screamed!) all i can say in reply to that is, you can get through it if you have an everlasting well of water within you, and you take one day at a time.

Matthew 19:26 With (wo)men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

lucky

ever since we got our dog, arwen, i can't help but compare her to my childhood dog, lucky. lucky is the dog in my life i've known the longest and been closest to. lucky was a very pretty dalmation with blue eyes. some dalmations look kind of funny with their spot placement -but lucky was really pretty. of course, arwen is very pretty too. when a stranger stops their car when we're out walking to tell us what a pretty dog she his, i am reminded of the same thing happening while walking lucky.

however, lucky was not nearly as easy to walk as arwen. arwen is, for the most part, an obedient walker. until we got a special harness for lucky, she was impossible. lucky was a very strong, adventurous dog, not to mention an escape artist. arwen is much more timid. she got out today on accident when i opened the door, and just stood there, then went right back in when i told her to. lucky would have been off like a shot.

lucky was much more agile and athletic. she loved her tennis ball. she could catch it in midair, or wait for it to bounce once and then catch it. she would chase that ball until she almost passed out. arwen is a klutz. she bumps into things all the time. she likes the tennis ball but not nearly as much as lucky. she refuses to go up or down staircases. when we first got her, she tried to jump onto our stoop and her back legs didn't make it up until i helped her.

both lucky and arwen were/are good with kids. i remember being able to take the tennis ball out of lucky's mouth and she would be very, very careful not to hurt me with her teeth. same thing while feeding her out of my hand. in contrast, socrates, the beagle/rat terrier my sister/parents own now, isn't so gentle (though i think that is a rat terrier thing -they are very mouthy). arwen is the same way -very gentle with her mouth. lucky put up with all kinds of kid abuse, too. and now that abraham is warmed up to arwen, he smacks her, pulls her hair, and throws things at her (he thinks he's playing -i am trying to teach him to stop) and she just takes it, no problem. i am so grateful to have such a gentle and forgiving dog in our family -i mean, even i, abraham's mother, get pretty upset when he unintentionally pinches me, or throws something at me. but i guess that is why people like dogs so much -they have a (well, nearly) unending supply of unconditional love.

lucky died when i was a teenager. she got a really horrible disease that ate away the muscles in her head, so she couldn't work her jaw. she could not eat. we thought her jaw might be injured at first, so gave her pain meds. but it didn't get better and she was beginning to starve. there wasn't a cure, so we put her to sleep. i stroked her while she died and i told her she was a good dog. loyal, loving, gentle, and fun. she had many faults, but i absolutely loved her. she was a good dog, and i miss her.

it has been an adjustment to have arwen in our home, kind of like having a newborn, except i'm not as exhausted :) as time goes by i'm sure her personality will become as beloved to me as lucky's. she is beautiful, and soft and cuddly, and i love that she gets me outside every day. most of all, as with any good dog, i love how much she loves us.